the quicksand of despair…

 

You’d rather not do community the way I had envisioned it in my head? No, that’s fine, I’m cool with that. I like to go with the flow.

Oh yeah, I forgot to mention one thing…F*&^ you. No really, go #&*$ yourself.

I’ll take my idealism and ego and go annoy a bunch of other do-gooders. Boy, you’ll be sorry when I infiltrate this next group and annoy the shit out of them with all of my pent up aggression and overt neediness that I never learned to deal with. I can’t wait to see the look on all of your faces when that next group of unsuspecting lovers accepts me in with one raised eyebrow, wondering how I could possibly leave a group I loved so much.

I bet they can’t wait for me to co-dependently attach myself to everyone in their crew who has that right mixture of cool and detachment.

But enough about the future, let me situate myself right where I always stay, in the past.

It’s not like I was asking so much out of everyone. Just to love me as I am, and yet challenge me out of my own fears and give me a sense of purpose and identity. You know, live my life for me. After dropping off the keys of my life I expected a little more than 86 minutes of chaotic interaction once a week. But I’ll take what I can get. Because, while there’s a big huge world out there that needs a-savin, I’d rather stay here at my pity party.

Of uncertainty. Uncertain that I can do much of anything. When I always feel like the 2nd or 3rd closest friend. The one who is the interlude between greater, more desired social interactions. The one who threw the social net way to far. The one who perhaps betrayed those closest to him. Never having been confronted, but feeling as though I’ve done something wrong. Perhaps the sad truth is that my fragile mind cannot handle the amount of interactions taking place.

Sure, I barely lifted a finger to help out. But c’mon, I’m that valuable sideline critic. You know, the observant one that doesn’t really do anything but has loads of opinions on what should be done. Don’t worry, I’ll make converts of you all soon enough. Hopefully, we’ll all end up sitting on our porches complaining.

This strange anger burns inside. I will punish anyone who tries to reach out. To reach in. Where were you before? Why didn’t you care before it got to be this bad? Does my presence matter? Unfortunately now all new attempts must overstep the barrier that has been created.

But I can’t blame them. You can’t force friendship. You can only ask for it. Over and over again. Until you look incredibly desperate. It’s no one’s fault but mine that I’m allowing myself to be sucked into the vacuum of loneliness and despair. It’s not the community’s job to bring me out of that. No one can. But what if I can’t? What business do I have even trying to be in community with others if all I have to offer is a needy emotional black hole and a bruised ego? I guess it truly is justice that I sit here, pushed to the edges of social interaction.

Confused and alone.

Response:

You are alone. Completely and utterly alone. Stop your whining and get used to it. All human interaction is temporary. You know this. How can you be so ungrateful for the gifts of interaction you have already been given? How can you be so despairing that you will never find intimacy in the way you long for? How have you forgotten My love for you? You used to find solace in that thought – find it again. Be renewed. There is only one source of unconditional love. No human can possibly provide it. Not even if you collected the whole set.

Also, do you really think people will want to spend time with you if you are always being a downer? If I’m being honest, even I don’t want to spend time with you when you’re being like this, and I’m God.

-God

Matthew 25:14-30

 

-Dave

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